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Sticky Icky Picky

The way i see it, sticky post its were invented to do one thing.....encourage you to forget the important things you need to do in life.

Coming Home

I can't believe where it is I have been. My last entry was in March I guess....and so much more has happened since then.

Jobs have come and gone like fashion trends. It's sad, but for some reason I don't think it's supposed to be like this. I ended up, after 3 or more attempts in the "real world" at Lone Star in Wayne back in April.....the 11th to be exact. In early June, we shut down, too. So I bounced around for a while again.....picked up a bartending shift @ the Garwood VFW in the mornings..... nothing too exciting. Now I'm working at Applebee's on Rt. 22 in Watchung.....w/ my Jimbo. It's been a struggle to stay there, only because of how much I'm being pulled away from it emotionally and physically. I'm realizing now I was never supposed to work lol I took the job to prove to myself that I wasn't just 'Lil Miss Lone Star' ie: that I could actually do my job. And it turns out I can.....very well :) But I'm not going to withstand everything it was that I put up with before.....I LIKED my job @ Lone Star and if I had the opprotunity to work at another one, I would do it in a heartbeat. I'm only working there because I need money while I'm looking for something else, or I'm deciding what it is that I'm doing with me life. Oh, I forgot.....you haven't be privy to such vital information.

Wil and I are engaged. He's told me his entire story, and we're in the process of figuring out just how we're going to make our marriage, and himself, legal. Apparently there's nothing we can do here persay. He'd have to go home, and we'd have to lie to the Embassy to get him back in the country. So I'm getting myself a passport and we're going to Ecuador, or we're going to stay here til he gets caught....if he ever does. I can't imagine my life with anyone else. We have talked so many times about how much it's going to hurt if something happens to him....like if he gets deported. He's tried to end things so many times, so I don't have to feel that pain. And so many times, I tell him I'd rather die than not be with him while I can have him here with me, and if that day ever comes that he is taken away from me, then that's the day I'll cry about it. Today we are stronger than ever, and like I said before.....I can't imagine life with anyone else.

I'm still not in school.....surprise surprise. Personally I'm ok with that....but I know logically I should be going back at least to finish the 3 classes I have left. I still say "All in due time".

I've been at a loss for a lot of things lately. A decision I made for myself caused the greatest earthquake I've ever experienced in my life.....causing a massive change. I always thought the people who were there for me would understand when things got sticky.....but in reality I came to understand that they were really just there to keep me down and keep my eyes closed. I asked for understanding and all I got (from most) was rejection and accusation. So no more of that. The people who understood and looked deeper than themselves that time are the people who I know want to see me succeed....not so much keep me the way I always was so that they have the upper hand.

And I hate to say it, but Gus was right. I can't remember the exact words or whatever it was we were talking about. But one day we were sitting in the office and he said something to me. And I laughed at him and dismissed what he thought. All he did was nod and said "You'll see" or something to that effect. And some days I wish I could get in touch with him because I want to tell him he was right. Because he was. He said that there would be a day when all my "friends" would turn on me.....I would finally grow out of whatever it was I was in, and they would turn. I'll admit I kind of turned on them, but only because of what resulted from everything that was going on. I keep looking in the window every so often at work to see if I see him walking in the door. Not like he'd ever GO there, but stranger things have happened. Last I heard he got fired from Lone Star for stupid shit. Stupid shit in a way that he finally deserved. Sometimes I think it's wrong but I still think about him.....I still remember stuff. I guess it's not a bad thing, just thinking.

Well, as always, I've got to get going. It's already past the time I was supposed to call Wil. Actually, that's a lie....I just wanna call him before he goes to work. I have to shower and stuff, and all this reading my past has made me depressed that Lone Star ever closed. Cause I don't want to go to Applebee's for anything in the world.


Blind to the Imperfections

The way my life has always been...I can see the big picture but not the fine details. Or I focus too much on a tiny part of it and miss the full effect. Whatever it is I miss it.....yet I could really care less right now. Payments are due....I need a job NOW...and all the while I just sit here thinking about Will and how we're engaged and I cried last night cause I wasn't with him when I went to sleep. I'm such a lunatic it's kinda scary.

Yay for taking control of my life...maybe for the first time ever. Walking out of work on Monday had to have been the most liberating experience of my life - I feel that there is such an enormous weight lifted off of my shoulders right now. And still, nothing has changed....I'm seeing Erica this afternoon; Will tonight; I still don't have any money - but there is one thing that is important to recognize. I am home. In my pajamas still. Drinking raspberry water. And not having to rush anywhere or be blamed for anything. And that my friends is how I define happiness.

Here's to the Afterglo!

Monetary Situation

So my current monetary situation is less than perfect. I have my car company calling me, yet again, because my payment is late. Well fuckers that's because my fucking payroll company doesn't deposit my FUCKING CHECK in the god damn bank for me to PAY YOU WITH ASSHOLES! God I hate money.....I hate it more than anything on the planet. So I just wasted about a 1/2 hour of my sleeping time trying to find out if my money went in, so I could pay my bills and stuff....and now I can't. I'm fighting with Will cause I'm an idiot and jealous, and now I'm going to bed in an even worse mood simply because I hate life. I had to give up my shiftlead position today because I just don't fucking care anymore and that shithole is going down the drain every second I'm alive.....so I'm going back to serving where I'll be happy I suppose. At least I'll be able to be all cute with Will again lol. When I'm not fighting with him lol. Oh god murder me.

I can't say that tomorrow cause if I'm happy, EVERYONE'S happy!
Fuck you piece of shit car
I hate you

Good night


So it's 4am. That means if I go to sleep right now I can get 4 hours of sleep before I have to wake up and do all the lil things I was planning on doing before work today....like straightening my hair, actually putting on some freakin make-up, and maybe being alive. But yay for being a girl...I got my period tonight. THANK JESUS cause I was seriously about to murder someone tonight.

Let me tell you about insanity. It's life buddy. And everything revolving in it's sometimes miserable grasp. I never quiet understood the concept of "soldiering on" but I think I found it out tonight. Maybe I'll stand victorious on the field of battle when that day comes that the entire management staff falls apart. Maybe I'm the only normal one there. Or maybe I'm just going to be the one they all blame for their mistakes. Cause it's my fault I was the only "qualified" person - aside from William who was foul all day aswell - in the building for GOD KNOWS how long this afternoon while our General Manager sat around, at her house, 20 minutes away, and did nothing. Because she's a freak of nature and sometimes I wonder WHO HIRED HER! Then again I wonder that about me, aswell. And my answer isn't a very good one, so I'll stop there.

I'm tired.


So Anyway

I'm with William...just thought you'd like to know that little tidbit :)

I Said I'd Be Back

So....hm....where do i begin. i'm trying to recap the past 3 months of my life as effortlessly as possible, and in all honesty - i can't. it's been a maze of tears, fights, yelling, reconsidering, hugs and painful loss.

Let's start where I left off....Val. Needless to say, I knew where this one was going before it even went anywhere. Depending on what week it is depends on if we're friends or not. So much has happened in our tiny relationship that I don't even know where to begin. Since Erica wouldn't be with him, and he could't handle the pressure of wanting something you can't have (tho he sees me do it every day) he decided it was best to push me out of his life, too. Which made me miserable. And he saw that, and felt bad, but still did it anyway cause I'm so close with Erica. Then one night, it wasn't the best thing....so we decided to be friends again. And that worked for a while, til he liked Erica again. THESE FUCKING 19 YEAR OLD BOYS! So then we decided to work things out again, and we had a mutual understanding of what was going on between us. Nothing at all. And life was good. Then Erica got pregnant. yes, I said pregnant - No not by Val! It's not THAT crazy lol. But that hurt Val sooooo much because apparently Erica did it out of vengance towards him (cause he's an absolute idiot for ever thinking that in his whole life!) and so he had to push me out. Again. Because he just can't stand the deal with the pain of not having her in his life. So he treats me like garbage even tho I've done so much for him and I'm one of his closest friends. Oh god....I'll be lucky if he even acknowledges my existance tomorrow. Whatever, he has big ears.

So yeah....the whole 'Erica being pregnant thing'. It's been the major cause of most of my insanity lately. I adore the girl to death - our friendship is probably one of the only good things to come out of that Hell Hole. But the consistent ups-and-downs are taking a toll on the girl that can't be leading to good things. She's with Matty now....like, not in a relationship persay but close enough to call it one. I think she's finally decided on having the baby, even tho some days she wonders if its the right thing. I always tell her the same thing when she asks me what to do about it - I can't tell you anything. If she wants an abortion...I'm driving her to the clinic. If she wants to keep it...I'll be at the hospital when it's born. But she's having such difficulties changing her life around for this little alien inside her stomach - I just don't think she's ready yet. Not gunna lie lol And the problems this little baby-drama causes everyday.....God have mercy when the babies actually BORN! It's the apocolypse and I have front row seats apparently. Oh yeah....and everything to do with this is my fault. Had I not fallen asleep on Thanksgiving, her and Matty would have never had sex while I was in the room and the condom wouldn't have broken, and none of this would have happened. Do you hear the words coming out of my mouth? I never would have had to support this chick on my own....I would have never had to bring Val into all this and maybe none of this existencial shit would have ever come to light. But somehow Erica became my responsibility as a human being....like I have to be her mother or something. I love the girl to death, but I'm not going to tell her what to do and force shit down her throat if she doesn't want to do it. If she wants to smoke a fucking cigarette I'm not going to stop her. Call me a bad friend....call me a bad person.....call me stupid. I don't care. But for the past month everyone and their mother has been telling her what she CAN'T do and it's driving her crazy. I know it's not good....but the most important thing right now is to keep her positive. And if you take away her life....what the fuck else does she have? I'm trying to let her hold on to the last little bit of normal she'll have left. Give her time. The only one that can do anything for herself is, infact, herself.

Homelife has gotten a lot easier, now that "he" is gone. I can honestly say that since he left last year I have no seen him at all. I've heard him a few times and maybe seen his truck, but other than that, nothing. And I hate to say it, but it hurts. It hurts to know that you never really mattered, and the only reason you were dealt with was to get closer to someone else. I was never important to him in any way, shape, or form. And it makes me wonder how that is possible....to spend 10 years with a person and feel absolutely nothing towards them. Even tho it ended up in absolute disgust towards the man, at least I felt something. Sometimes I actually feel bad for the fact that he lives by himself in a little apartment and he doesn't have anyone to come home to. And sometimes I even venture to say that I'll move out just so that he can come back home, cause I'd rather have someone be here with my mom when I can't. But then I think about how he did this all to himself and in a way his behavior is deserving of these consequences. How he still has a family and still has people who care about him. And how because of his behavior I lost a family, and I lost quite a few people who supposedly cared about me. Well, at least showed it more than he ever did.

I miss John. I really, truely do. But I'm not allowing myself to go to Vegas, ever, because that would just be putting myself in a place and frame-of-mind I just don't want to go to. He's a part of my life that constantly reminds me of my strengths, and weaknesses. He calls me....I'm there. Yet I realize that even tho he's older, he's still so wishy washy - I'll always be needed by him, just in different ways I suppose. Let him come back home to me for a little while. Then I'll know if he's worth it. Can you imagine him busting thru those doors one night and me FLIPPING OUT! Oh god.

Well I can't think of anything else new to report, so I'm going to sleep. I also didnt realize it was 5am


My Glorious Return

Well children, you'll be glad to know I have returned again to the world of Live Journal. Yes, yes, I can't even remember the last time I wrote anything worth writing....but trust me, I've arrived on the scene and I'm ready to drop bombs. A lot has happened.....far more than you could comprehend at the moment. It's all a dramatic saga whose beginnings is mottled in doubt and whose end is no where in sight. Alls I know is that I'm stuck along for the ride whether I like it or not.

Pregnancy, management positions....people being fired on both accounts and exhaustion making decisions for the brain instead of the other way around. Assistant kitchen managers and servers having 'relations' and straying from the 'right thing'. And all the while, the ring leader of a GM conducts an orchestration of sin and frustration. Lives have been changed forever.....and that's the just the beginning. Look deeper and you'll see the impact holes of a life 20 minutes away....full of changing attitudea and decisions having to be made 13 hours away from the life we all once knew. Oh yeah....and Kenny is coming home in less than a week. God, I haven't really sat down to look at life lately....and all I can say is that it's probably a good idea I don't. Trying to recap everything made my head hurt. Too much for a 24 hour span.....too much for any amount of time. Yet I live it. And I love every fucking minute of it.

I promise to update more often these days. You can't make this shit up!


I'm Drunk

Ok people.....I'm drunk. I hate it.....but I am. I asked for a pint and the bitch gave me a pitcher - wtf! I'm a better bartender than that, ok! I don't even know what's going on anymore.....I just want someone to chill with right now cause I hate being like this by myself. Especially in my house, when I have to control myself so much that it hurts lol. My mom woke up when I came in the house to tell me she made me chocolate chip cookies - I hope she didn't notice. 3 cigs people....I'm allowed to cause I'm drunk lol.

I wanna hook up with Val sooooooooo badly. Hahaha I told him to make out with me in dry storage. He's silly


200 Cigarettes

Would surely kill you.

Sooooooooo - what's new? A lot actually. I went out with Erica & Val tonight....good times yo. First we went to visit him @ Lone Star, which was deader than dead tonight. Then Erica & I went to Quick Check for coffee and such - cause that's how we roll. Then we went BACK to LS to pick up Val and we drove randomly everywhere in creation, and ended up at Alexis' Diner in Denville??? Maybe lol

Val.....oh Val. If only I understood what it was I was thinking when I am out with him, then maybe something would make sense. Don't tell but I think he wants to hook up with Erica ~ but I think that's just my "Liz Fear" coming thru again. Something tells me she wouldn't do that, but then again that's what I thought when I was still friends with that whore of a girl.

BTW she called me today. i texted her with "what" and she called me back. She asked what that meant and all I said was "what do you want". That was all I heard from her. Good.

I "finished" training today. I'm not allowed to really be by myself yet, which is fine. I don't think I'd want to be lol. What Steve showed me was easy...I have no idea what Matty is talking about cause he says there is sooooooooo much stress involved. Kiss my ass, ok.

We have a plan to make Time cry tomorrow. My saying for the day is "fuck you, your fat"
It's true.



John started drinking again. He was clean after a month and now all of a fucking sudden he sees a picture of Des'rae and now he has to start again. I'm so dissapointed in him it's not even conceivable.

It just hurts....I feel like I failed somehow. I just wish he was here so I could help him more.

Anyway, I'm going to bed. This sucks


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August 2007


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